Sunday, March 20, 2011

Encyclosleazia Shittanica excerpt: Crapulon

Jacky Dan Hands, guitarist for Demonshitfacer one of the most popular Crapulon bands of all time

  Rowdy, nihilistic, and perpetually drunk. Crapulons are among the most homely denizens of the universe. The only sober Crapulon is a dead Crapulon. While they require nothing but alchohol for sustenance they do have a certain affinity for bologna...and 80's earth hair metal. Not that such a thing as hair metal could be considered sustenance, but they would nonetheless die without it. It's rumored that Joey Tempest wrote the Final Countdown after Europe was abducted by Crapulons, who promptly returned the band after they stole all the play from the hot female inhabitants of Venus while en route to the Crapulon's home planet of Mullock.

Life on Mullock is one of complete anarchy, but that's not to say it is chaotic. Most Crapulons have a generally nonviolent, though obtrusive disposition. They are just much too sloshed to even attempt  to form something such as social order, or daily hygiene routines. Rules are opinions, and if there is a dispute, the "rule" that comes from the lips of the bigger Crapulon is followed. Although size is not always a determining factor. A broken bottle shank to the eye can also have a Crapulon seeing your way, quite instantaneously in fact.

Pregnant Crapulon females are highly feared for not only are they completely unpredictable what with being hopped up on baby crazies, but they have an even more insatiable appetite for alcohol. One pregnant female can dry up an entire alcohol spring, but hey she's drinking for two right? Fortunately Crapulon pregnancy only lasts the equivalent of one earth day. It goes without saying that procreation is highly discouraged on Mullock, not that any Crapulon would want offspring anyway. Family life is unheard of in Crapulon culture. Crapulon birth is likened to that of a large bowel movement after which baby Crapulons, or crappies, end up in the sewer living off of Crapulon excrement until the day they mature and surface to make their skidmark on the world.

It's said that some Crappies never come back to the surface....

Crapulons get their alcohol supply from the many alcohol springs that can be found around Mullock. After it became widely known that earthlings have a knack for brewing alcohol. Earth alcohol became a precious commodity on Mullock, especially with Gangs like the Pissheads constantly trying to monopolize the supply.

With constantly consuming alcohol (and the occasional bologna) Crapulon piss is EXTREMELY volatile, and somehow has a higher proof than the alcohol that went in. Realizing that all Crapulons are just walking re-distilleries, space entrepreneur and all around scumbag Nat P. Duggits cashed in on this phenomena after he began bottling it and selling it under the guise "Nat P. Duggits' Spitfire Hooch". It remains THE most potent alcoholic drink in the universe.

1 comment:

  1. "This calls for a party, baby! I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise!"